"By the way, I - I'm unembarrassed to tell you - I'm not embarrassed to tell you [those mean the same thing, nimwad] - that I did not watch the Democrat debate last night [that's Democratic debate, asswipe, learn some god-damned grammar - and wait - what? you're a candidate for the presidency and you didn't even watch the debate between the people you're running against? you should be fucking embarrased, you dillweed], but - but I am told, uh, that Sen. Obama made, uh, the statement that if al-Qaeda, uh, came back to Iraq after he withdraws, after the American troops are withdrawn, then he would send military troops back [as opposed to those non-military troops, one presumes] if al-Qaeda established a base in Iraq. [no, you aging douche, that's not what he said - maybe you should start doing some of your own fucking research - like watching the damned debates; i realize you are of the generation that finds remote controls unutterably challenging, but you couldn't at least get an aide to TiVo the fucking thing?]

I have some news - al-Qaeda is in Iraq. [poor soul, he always looks so chuffed when one of his lines gets a laugh - even if it's based on an out and out fabrication] Al-Qaeda: it's called "al-Qaeda in Iraq". [um, no, fruitbat - "al-Qaeda in Iraq" is called "al-Qaeda in Iraq"; "al-Qaeda" is just called "al-Qaeda" - they're two separate organizations - and al-Qaeda in Iraq only fucking exists because of reckless bombheads like you - who the hell is briefing you? have you been paying any attention at all to the past four or five years of history?] And my friends, uh, they wouldn't - if we left, they wouldn't be establishing a base - they wouldn't be establishing a base [come on, John you can make it to the end of this sentence...], they'd be taking a country [foundation, Senator? or did you just pull this scenario out of your withered ass? do you even know how powerful al-Qaeda in Iraq is? oh, no, that's right: you don't even know what the fuck al-Qaeda in Iraq is; forget it, let's just cut to the 'No surrender']. And I'm not going to allow that to happen, my friends [come, man, you can do it] - I will not surrender [there we go - close, anyway] - I will not surrender to al-Qaeda! [you won't? um, aren't you the guy that surrendered to the North Vietnamese during your illustrious military career? or were you just bored at that point with crashing so many of our planes?]


You know, maybe Obama could beat this guy - he must have the IQ of a potato. Then again, Obama wouldn't be running against McCain, he'd be running against the GOP propaganda machine, their 527s, the right-wing blogosphere, and the entire media establishment. Maybe they should just tell their ancient candidate to shut the hell up and let them get on with smearing the opposition...

Tags: moron majority, political diversion
humour: what am i doing here?

Guest Host Tina Fey on SNL's "Weekend Update" last night (as their Women's News Correspondent):

FEY: ... And finally, the most important Women's News item there is: we have our first serious female presidential candidate in history, Hillary Clinton. And yet, women have come so far as feminists that they don't feel obligated to vote for a candidate just because she's a woman. Women today feel perfectly free to make whatever choice Oprah tells them to. Which raises the question, "Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama?" Some say that they're put off by the fact that Hillary can't control her husband and that we would end up with "co-presidents". 'Cause that would be terrible, having two intelligent, qualified people working together to solve problems - uck! Why would you let Starsky talk to Hutch? I wanna watch that show, "Starsky".

You know, what is it, America? Are you weirded out that they're married? 'Cause I can promise you that they are having exactly as much sex with each other as George Bush and Jeb Bush are. Then there is the scrutiny of her physical appearance. Rush Limbaugh, the Jeff Conaway of right wing radio, said that he doesn't think that America is ready to watch their president, quote, "turn into an old lady in front of them". Really? They didn't seem to mind when Ronald Reagan did that.

Maybe what bothers me the most is that people say that Hillary is a bitch. Let me say something about that: Yeah, she is. And so am I. [indicating "anchor" Amy Poehler] And so is this one.

POEHLER: Yeah, deal with it!

FEY: Yeah, you know what? Bitches get stuff done. That's why Catholic schools use nuns as teachers and not priests. Those nuns are mean old clams and they sleep on cots and they're allowed to hit you. And at the end of the school year, you hated those bitches - but you knew the capital of Vermont.

POEHLER: Yes.

FEY: So I'm saying, it's not too late, Texas and Ohio! Get on board! Bitch is the new black!

Ha! Love it. The clip is now up at NBC's site - as is the opening sketch, based on the Clinton-Obama debate in Texas, which is also kinda hilarious. Unfortunately, they've truncated the opening sketch, so only the last couple of minutes appear. It was the first couple of minutes that were really incisive.

Tags: political diversion, tee-vee
humour: tickled

Gaaah!

The campaign season is hitting new lows and the election is nearly a year away. Not in smears or attacks or the standard lies and misinformation. No. We are new hitting new lows in taste. Okay, Christmas is about as kitsch as it can be anyway, but do we really need our potential national leaders compounding it?


Rudy Giuliani's new Christmas ad has to be one of the worst ideas in campaign history. Never mind the comparisons to Huckabee's relatively warm, soft focus holiday commercial (about which Ron Paul amusingly cited Sinclair Lewis: "when fascism comes to this country, it will be wrapped in the flag, carrying a cross"), itself a classic of mawkish pandering. But the Giuliani thing is frightening enough in its own right. Who the hell is Giuliani's stylist, never mind his publicist?

Who thought that that ghastly, ill-fitting sweater was the right choice? It's like the "Young Frankenstein Christmas Special". Who decided to bounce a 2000 watt blonde off his pate? The man's a fucking beacon. Put him on top of the tree, man. Who thought the general public would consider a stump speech a "gift"? Come on, strict constructionist judges for Christmas? Who thought that Avuncular Rudy would be anything other than downright creepy? Seriously - do any of these people know Giuliani? And who thought it was a good idea for Rudolph Giuliani - in this ad - to mention fruitcake??

Yeah, well. I suppose it's better than the alternative:

Tags: photo/graphic, political diversion, tee-vee

On Decision '08: Countdown to the Debate (a.k.a. "Who the Fuck Cares?") Chris Matthews just said, in reference to Romney and Huckabee's Great Devil War, that "this is the first time in recent history" that religion has been a divisive issue. Hello, Chris, are you at all familiar with the pro-choice/pro-life issue? Gay marriage? The "culture wars"?

I thought immediately of Digby's comment yesterday:

If you want to see how a sixth grader would approach the philosophical and practical ramifications of torture, I urge you to watch Hardball today.

I'm really surprised that Matthews hasn't run for office as a Republican. He's that dumb.

Tags: political diversion, tee-vee
humour: incredulous

At a Rose Garden ceremony last Wednesday to celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month, about a dozen guests were forced to stand around awkwardly while others streamed past them and into the event. Though invited, their names had apparently been left off the list. After waiting fifteen minutes or so for things to be sorted out, they realized that the ceremony had started and decided to head to the Starbuck's across the street.

The jilted guests, in fact, comprised the diplomatic corps from Latin America, including the ambassadors from Argentina, Colombia, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Mexico, and Peru. At least Alberto Gonzales got in. And some people still doubt that this administration will go down in history as the "International Relations Presidency".

Tags: political diversion
humour: impressed

The US Citizenship and Immigration Services have released their new naturalization test questions. Immigration officials said they sought to move away from civics trivia like "Who wrote The Star Spangled Banner?" in order to emphasize basic concepts about the structure of government and American history and geography. They also wanted applicants to have to study a bit more for the testing. Apparently 92% of a test group passed on their first try, compared to 84% on the previous version of the test. "Passing" means getting roughly 60% correct (you need to answer six correctly out of each set of ten questions to move on to the next set).

Any takers?

AMERICAN GOVERNMENT
A: Principles of American Democracy

1. What is the supreme law of the land?

2. What does the Constitution do?

3. The idea of self-government is in the first three words of the Constitution. What are these words?

4. What is an amendment?

5. What do we call the first ten amendments to the Constitution?

6. What is one right or freedom from the First Amendment?*

7. How many amendments does the Constitution have?

8. What did the Declaration of Independence do?

9. What are two rights in the Declaration of Independence?

10. What is freedom of religion?

11. What is the economic system in the United States?*

12. What is the "rule of law"?

B: System of Government

13. Name one branch or part of the government.*

14. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful?

15. Who is in charge of the executive branch?

16. Who makes federal laws?

17. What are the two parts of the U.S. Congress?*

18. How many U.S. Senators are there?

19. We elect a U.S. Senator for how many years?

20. Who is one of your state's U.S. Senators?*

21. The House of Representatives has how many voting members?

22. We elect a U.S. Representative for how many years?

23. Name your U.S. Representative.

24. Who does a U.S. Senator represent?

25. Why do some states have more Representatives than other states?

26. We elect a President for how many years?

27. In what month do we vote for President?*

28. What is the name of the President of the United States now?*

29. What is the name of the Vice President of the United States now?

30. If the President can no longer serve, who becomes President?

31. If both the President and the Vice President can no longer serve, who becomes President?

32. Who is the Commander in Chief of the military?

33. Who signs bills to become laws?

34. Who vetoes bills?

35. What does the President's Cabinet do?

36. What are two Cabinet-level positions?

37. What does the judicial branch do?

38. What is the highest court in the United States?

39. How many justices are on the Supreme Court?

40. Who is the Chief Justice of the United States?

41. Under our Constitution, some powers belong to the federal government. What is one power of the federal government?

42. Under our Constitution, some powers belong to the states. What is one power of the states?

43. Who is the Governor of your state?

44. What is the capital of your state?*

45. What are the two major political parties in the United States?*

46. What is the political party of the President now?

47. What is the name of the Speaker of the House of Representatives now?

C: Rights and Responsibilities

48. There are four amendments to the Constitution about who can vote. Describe one of them.

49. What is one responsibility that is only for United States citizens?*

50. What are two rights only for United States citizens?

51. What are two rights of everyone living in the United States?

52. What do we show loyalty to when we say the Pledge of Allegiance?

53. What is one promise you make when you become a United States citizen?

54. How old do citizens have to be to vote for President?*

55. What are two ways that Americans can participate in their democracy?

56. When is the last day you can send in federal income tax forms?*

57. When must all men register for the Selective Service?

AMERICAN HISTORY
A: Colonial Period and Independence

58. What is one reason colonists came to America?

59. Who lived in America before the Europeans arrived?

60. What group of people was taken to America and sold as slaves?

61. Why did the colonists fight the British?

62. Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?

63. When was the Declaration of Independence adopted?

64. There were 13 original states. Name three.

65. What happened at the Constitutional Convention?

66. When was the Constitution written?

67. The Federalist Papers supported the passage of the U.S. Constitution. Name one of the writers.

68. What is one thing Benjamin Franklin is famous for?

69. Who is the "Father of Our Country"?

70. Who was the first President?*

B: 1800s

71. What territory did the United States buy from France in 1803?

72. Name one war fought by the United States in the 1800s.

73. Name the U.S. war between the North and the South.

74. Name one problem that led to the Civil War.

75. What was one important thing that Abraham Lincoln did?*

76. What did the Emancipation Proclamation do?

77. What did Susan B. Anthony do?

C: Recent American History and Other Important Historical Information

78. Name one war fought by the United States in the 1900s.*

79. Who was President during World War I?

80. Who was President during the Great Depression and World War II?

81. Who did the United States fight in World War II?

82. Before he was President, Eisenhower was a general. What war was he in?

83. During the Cold War, what was the main concern of the United States?

84. What movement tried to end racial discrimination?

85. What did Martin Luther King, Jr. do?*

86. What major event happened on September 11, 2001 in the United States?

87. Name one American Indian tribe in the United States.

INTEGRATED CIVICS
A: Geography

88. Name one of the two longest rivers in the United States.

89. What ocean is on the West Coast of the United States?

90. What ocean is on the East Coast of the United States?

91. Name one U.S. territory.

92. Name one state that borders Canada.

93. Name one state that borders Mexico.

94. What is the capital of the United States?*

95. Where is the Statue of Liberty?*

B: Symbols

96. Why does the flag have 13 stripes?

97. Why does the flag have 50 stars?*

98. What is the name of the national anthem?

C: Holidays

99. When do we celebrate Independence Day?*

100. Name two national U.S. holidays.

*If you are 65 years old or older and have been a legal permanent resident of the United States for 20 or more years, you may study just the questions that have been marked with an asterisk.


( answers behind the cut )

Tags: political diversion
humour: geeky

with thanks to michellemalkinisanidiot.com

Tags: photo/graphic, political diversion
humour: amused